#xd30 – 25 – my body, your body 

In about 5 days, I will be laid up at the beach somewhere. I’ll have a book, hopefully an alcoholic beverage, and will be surrounded by my loved ones. This is quite an adult vacation dream coming to fruition. While this sounds like a lovely thing to look forward to, and it is, finding a bathing suit before then is going to be a living nightmare.

I had a bathing suit until recently. I should have kept it but I threw it away. I felt weird for having the swimsuit bottoms as long as I did and the top didn’t have much support so my tits basically hit the floor.

I have recently come to terms with the fact that I don’t 100% love my body all day every day. Most of the time it’s at a good 15% percent and that’s on a good day. I wrote a blog about 2 years ago in which I am embracing wearing shorts in public for the first time in a long time. The blog is earnest and true to myself during the time period, so I don’t take it back. But I’m not there anymore. That was a step forward for me. However I don’t think accepting that no, I am not fully body confident right now, is a step back.

In fact, I feel a bit of a weight lifted off my shoulders. For a time I didn’t talk about what I looked like at all. I kept my thoughts to myself (or to my poor mother who was often my shopping partner or shoulder to cry on when I felt disgusting) about my weight and looks. Then I fed into this Love Your Body movement, which is quite important, and even though flawed, I respected it then and now. But for a time I felt like I couldn’t say anything negative about my body. I would even push away friends thoughts because I loved them so much and hated to hear that’s what they felt about themselves.

I support and love everyone on their self love journeys. I am trying to become a more supportive listener. One that isn’t always equipped with a reaction. In terms of my self love journey, it is a process. I do not know if my mental is all there and that what I want to change is physical. Or that my physical is a product of my mental, and I have to work on them simultaneously. Okay, now that I write both of them out, I know the answer is a bit of both, which is already exhausting.

 
But I am learning. And sometimes not. But I am here and that’s what is most important to me right now. 

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