I wanted to drink tonight, I really did. I’m the type of person that feels everything, and drinking helps mask that. Before you furrow your brow and silently judge me, I’m typing this sober. Mainly because traffic was a shit show coming home, and trying to make it to a store to get the bottle of wine I wanted wouldn’t have been worth the trouble. I also figured that it was time to stop resorting to that because it’s not a solution and it never will be.
I remember the scariest thing to me as a kid was losing my parents in the store or having to give a presentation in front of the class,. We had tornado drills during class and went outside when the fire alarm went off. Now, my nieces and nephews will eventually practice a drill for what to do when a gun goes off in school.
Social media has completely fucked me in terms of reacting to a tragedy, especially in the aftermath of a mass shooting. There have officially been more shootings in the US this year than there are days. I can’t find words anymore, and nothing in me wants to read the opinions of others. “My thoughts and prayers…” seems like a joke of a phrase. It doesn’t hold much meaning anymore as we’re saying it every day. With the progress we’ve had, it doesn’t seem relevant with the darkness that masks this country and this world. I remember reading my history chapters in grade school about wars, bombings, racism, and was glad to be in better times.
I reminisce on the days I couldn’t full grasp the weight of loss, murder, and hatred. Today, I feel every bit of it and it’ll never not knock the wind out of me. I refuse to become desensitized to the loss and execution that they want us to feel is normal.