Today’s second post was written by my friend Ray. She’s tackled the sometimes taboo subject of virginity and I think she did an excellent job. There’s often this social stigma when it comes to women or men who are virgins at a certain age. But, I think she breaks down that barrier wonderfully. Check out the piece she has written below. And thanks again, Ray!
When Chantal asked me to guest write on her blog, I knew exactly what I wanted to write about, because it’s a topic that not many people really discuss but it’s one I think about on a daily basis. Whether that is because it’s a very rare idea, or young people–Millennials–are too scared to discuss it, I’m not sure. But I wanna break down the barrier. I wanna take my Hulk Hands and smash through the wall of this ‘sacred topic’.
Let me start by just saying it here: I’m 23 years old, I am a woman, and I am a virgin.
Society, I think, has this timestamp on when sexual milestones should occur: You should have had your first kiss during high school at least, you should have gotten to second and third base by your senior year, and the birds and the bees should have been a thing of the past by the time you were done with college.
…and yet, here I am.
After I turned 18, and for a while after, I was very embarrassed that I hadn’t had sex. Because to me, at the time, having sex represented that someone liked you enough and thought you were pretty enough to see you naked and have sex with them. The fact that I was 18 and nothing like that had happened yet was upsetting.
But again, here I am at 23 and still a virgin. Since I turned 18, and the “social timestamp” had passed, I found myself wondering why haven’t I had sex yet? More specifically, I looked deep into my core, into my own beliefs and values, and asked myself why haven’t I let anyone have sex with me? Why haven’t I put myself in a situation where that has happened?
The quickest answer I came up with is that I was scared. Sex, apparently, is supposed to hurt, like, really bad.
But then I figured that might be a little irrational. Sex is supposed to be this great thing? I can deal with a little pain if I’m having sex with someone I really care about.
And that’s when it hit me.
I haven’t had sex because I haven’t found someone I can trust and be intimate with on that level.
And up until maybe a few hours ago, I thought I had found that person. But up until a few hours ago, I hadn’t told this person I was a virgin.
It’s incredibly terrifying, to me at least, to tell people I want to eventually be intimate with that I haven’t had sex…mostly because of society’s views on virgins older than the age of 18-20; prude, religious, woman of God, pure, virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin.
It just has such a negative connotation to it. To me, I didn’t really understand it. I think I’m a good person, a smart woman, a funny gal. Why does me being a virgin suddenly become the only thing that matters once the cat is out of the bag? Why am I no longer the smart girl? Or the girl with a great sense of humor? Suddenly I’m just the virgin.
It’s horrible and I hate it. Because now that this person knows I’m a virgin, it seems like the ball is in their court: Are they going to stay with me, or are they going to leave me and find someone who isn’t a virgin?
And that’s what I wanted to close this little blog post with: If this person leaves me, then they really aren’t worth my time. Like I mentioned, I’m waiting to have sex with someone I really care about. If this person decides to leave because I am a virgin, then they really didn’t care about me to begin with, and then that leaves me to move on and find someone who does care about me, and doesn’t see me being a virgin as an issue.
So guys, if you’re 23 and a virgin like me, don’t sweat it. There are people out there just like you and me who are looking for something substantial and someone who sees past societies views on sex. PEOPLE LIKE US EXIST.
And if any of you guys are like me, I really hope you find what you’re looking for.