Today’s blog post is another Guest Blog! The person who contributed to my blog has decided to remain anonymous. I love this piece because of its honesty. They explain what depression does to you and how it makes you feel. It explains that feeling of hopelessness, but most importantly, choosing not to let your struggles win. It’s such an important read, and I hope you will enjoy it. If so, share it with anyone who might be struggling.
Choosing to Live
I was going to write about the future of the US-Japan relationship or my slight obsession with video games, but I decided against it. I decided to write something that was even more difficult. Borderline scary. I decided to talk about my struggle with self-esteem, depression, and suicide. Now, lets all take a deep breath.
I do not remember how old I was, maybe 7 or 8, and I was standing in line with my parents and younger sister at the store. While waiting, an old friend appeared and started talking to my parents and said, “What a beautiful daughter you have.” Then she wished us a good day and left. That’s when it began—because she wasn’t talking about me (hell she wasn’t even looking in my direction), rather she was talking about my sister (who was and still is beautiful).
I was upset. Why wasn’t I beautiful (or even pretty)? Was it because my skin was darker? Or, was I too big? Was it because my hair wasn’t as pretty? What was it?
What was wrong with ME?
Now, some might say get over it, it’s not like the woman called you ugly. But to me it felt that way. That I was lacking something to be put in that “beautiful” category. But, there began my slippery slope of negative thinking and negative feelings. But, I tried to keep it to myself. I would stuff everything into a little (internal) bottle, refusing to let anyone see how much I was hurting. Sooner or later though, that stuff catches up to you. Soon, the negative thinking and those negative feelings began to show on the outside. I hated life. I hated school— and it didn’t help that I was bullied during middle school and high school. I hated my family.
Most of all, I hated myself and became empty. When you become empty, nothing matters. God doesn’t matter. The love of your friends and your family doesn’t matter. I like to think of it as a stomach worm— no matter how much my parents, friends, community tried to feed me love and encouragement that little worm would eat it up and it wouldn’t get to me.
That emptiness became so big that I began to think that it didn’t even matter if I was alive anymore. My parents wouldn’t have to worry anymore and no one would really miss me— I would just be another statistic. Another body in the ground.
So, I tried. But how could someone “try” to commit suicide? You either do it or you don’t, right? But in my attempt, I had a realization.
I wanted to live.
It was because of that “ah-ha” moment that I opened up to my parents and together we decided that I needed to go to therapy. In some ways, it was worse than being “empty” because I had to work. I had to be honest with myself. Therapy isn’t a one trip and you are cured thing. I still struggle with self-esteem, but you get out of it what you put in. You have to be able to commit to yourself and work hard towards who YOU want to be.
Thank you so much for reading! I applaud my friend for writing this and sharing their story. Know that it will help someone.