There were many days last semester where I just wanted everything to stop. My fourth year of college had yielded so much promise, my hopeless imagination thought. I had two jobs lined up, a leadership position, and I was finally in the classes that I was waiting to take for years. Everything should have been perfect, right? Well, no, I was far from right.
Coming off of a summer of ridiculous self-doubt, unemployment, and learning I had a bit of an anxiety problem, nothing could have prepared me for the first half of my senior year in college. I didn’t give myself time to breathe. I went straight into the semester training for my leadership position while working 15 hours a week for mentioned leadership position, then tried to sneak in another 8 hours for my work study job. Where did school come in, you ask? I wish I knew the answer. Overcommitting to social outings and not enough commitment to my course load led to Out of Energy Me. I was running on empty, and couldn’t find my way to the nearest gas station. Excuse that terrible metaphor, but I thought it was fitting.
I found myself crying alone in my room on the weekends, wondering what the hell I’d signed up for. After much persuasion from one of my advisors and the urge to get over myself, I found myself in counseling again. I’d started over the summer, and I thought I was “cured.” But I don’t know if there’s such a thing.
Talking to someone who didn’t know me would sometimes help, and other times made me want to go crawl back into my bed and ignore everything. The remainder of the year is a blur, filled with ups and downs. I wish this story had a happy ending, but I’m still on my journey. I’m still pushing through the ugly. Last semester, I wasn’t hanging by a thread. I was a little church mouse trying to put the pieces of the thread back together. I’m much stronger than that mouse now, but I know I still have a way to go. After 4 weeks of relaxation, one would think I’d be ready to go back and finish my last semester of school. And while the degree waiting at the finish line will be worth it, it’s going to be struggle to make it there. However, I can’t erase all I’ve done so far. It’s not fair to me. Never forget how far you’ve come. The next milestone might seem gigantic and daunting, but discounting all you’ve done is a waste, really. When you feel like there’s no motivation, be your own motivator!
Push through the ugly to find all the beauty. I don’t like to make promises, but I think it’ll be worth it.